Senior Year. I live in San Gennaro. and eat too many cannolis.

When I was about 9, I was an absurdly precious child. I'm sure that doesn't come as a shock to anyone who has taken the time to read my blog (ya'll already know how awesome I am). One day, my grandad was dying. And I was in the hospital cafeteria with my mother, father, and uncle. I was instructed to sit at a table with said uncle whilst mis padres checked out the noms. It was during this moment of fear, sadness, and complete vulnerability that my uncle turned to me and said, "I am afraid to die. I want to be cryogenically frozen so that I can be brought back to life. You are the only one I trust to do this."

Recently, I have been thinking about this interaction. Not in terms of the existential crisis that it caused, or my nonexistent relationship with my uncle, or the fact that I am a bit on the cray cray side, but for the fact that apparently I give off a vibe that makes me irresistible to fuck with. True, I think in the case of uncle it was mo' crazy less malicious, but I have recently been told that, and I'm quoting here (as you can tell by the signs but I just like the way it sounds) "I fuck with you because you let me. And I can't with anyone else." As much as I appreciate honesty, and I do to a remarkable degree, I find the idea of mind-fuckery to be a bit too intense of a 'thing' to do because I let people.

But now, dear reader, now I can make soup with bok choy and tofu. and now I can put on my own eyeliner. And now I have paid my own Time Warner bill with my big girl checks. Now, dear reader, I know which cannoli places during san gennaro have the biggest/cheapest/yummiest noms and i know how to talk down prices from ten million dollars to free. I've made purchases at IKEA. I've become disgruntled and shoved some tourists, 'borrowed' straws from Starbucks and STARTED GOOGLING GRAD SCHOOLS.

Now, dear reader, I have begun to understand that tourists won't just move because they see they're in your way and you're carrying a large box. No. No. You must request movement with a jerk of your arm and grimace about the face. (lesson fo' life)

I've learned to make my own coffee. And party on my (completely less than stable) fire-escape.

So to you dear person who fucks with me because you can. i say. i'll probably still let you. because i am weak. but someday. someday. i will have a fire-escape which i am certain will hold my weight, and actual self worth. some day...

Until then, i'll settle for hot professors, baked goods, trader joe's wine (they upped it to $3! fascists...) and being a badass hipster in training. and so will you.

Really? I mean, really?

Dear Roommate (who shall not be named)--
I am hiding from you in my room. Mostly because your voice gives me a panic attack. But also because you came blasting into the apt screaming about who borrowed your monkey umbrella and broke it. Because it belonged to so and so and you were going to ship it back to so and so.

Mostly my umbrella was stolen on halloween and you said i could feel free to use any in the container by the door. Also, the umbrella was already broken, as I found out when I opened it in the rain. Also, the rain/wind broke it further. Also, it was exceedingly cheap as it broke so quickly. Also, I am not leaving my room for the rest of the night so you don't get a chance to yell in my face. Because that's really mean.

Also, I'm buying a new umbrella tom. From CVS. Because you frighten me on a deep deep level.

Love,
me

how now brown cow

Sitting at computer. 2 hours. Reading texts from last night. Listening to Pandora. Help me. MUST. WRITE. PAPER. Must get off ass.

It's chilly today, which makes me not want to make the 30 min hike to campus. Problem? no campus no meal plan no meal plan no foodfood. Must shower/write 8 page paper. Can't seem to careeeeee.

Need a little inspiration in the form of attractive people carrying large platters of food. Especially cupcakes.

Have not seen any of my roommates in physical form since yesterday morning. Only heard voices. This is nice. Although it does make it more difficult for me to have convos with real life peeps, because i'm not so used to speaking anymore.

as soon as i make the decision to get off my ass, roommate will be in the bathroom. such is my life.

i need a cupcake. or self respect. or self restraint. or someone to write this stupid paper for me. stupidstupidstupid paper.

Today I watched the VIEW

All right. I know. I've been an absent poster as of late. it's almost like being an absent father. except worse. My lady parts are hurting today (too much info?), and I am avoiding writing my 8 page profile paper. It was originally supposed to be an interview until my interviewee blew me off. My prof was like, oh, he blew you off. And I was like "yes, like an 8th grade boy. badly." then prof laughed. more out of discomfort than amusement i should think. now i need to write an 8 pg profile of a man who is the epitome of all the little boys i hate.

i still love my cog neuro prof. and i'm meeting with her again next week! mostly because i need her help to write a research proposal. she does not know this. and i don't really think this is her job. plus she's really hot and intense and that makes me uncomfortable when i'm around her. but she's also really smart and therefore i shall suffer in discomfort!

i'm moving out of my apt in may! i am supes excited about this because my roommates hate me and i'm not completely convinced that they won't kill me in my sleep. that's why i appreciate lofty. my loft bed. because i get advanced warning (ladder climbing) of murderers and rapists.

i am still in love with theewhohasgirlfriendandiwanttomakesweetsweetlovetowhodoesn'treciprocate. girlfriend is still girlfriend. i am not. but I WILL WIN AT SOME POINT.

there is a crazy mo' fo' who makes weirdly insulting comments about jews, pregnant women, women, and others in one of my classes. i want to keep him from talking. like put my fist in his mouth and watch him gasp for breath and then laugh because he can't speak and because i don't have to listen to him speak and that would make me really happy, not as happy as cog neuro prof or "girlfriend" no longer being "girlfriend" but i am willing to accept smaller things first.

i am drinking diet sunkist.

passover is next week!!!!!!!!!!!!!! i'm a sad lady that i'm not home. maybe i should drink...that'd fix it!

SOS

Dear hot cog neuro prof,
You exam was hard. Very hard. And I studied. lots. Only for your test, in fact. None for my others (which i will now fail as well). This is why the whole, "your exam being extraordinarily hard" thing made me such a sad lady. I'm now drinking a diet coke, purchased for me by the lovely M, which is making me feel slightly better. And I talked to my friend who was very upset and helped me persepectivize my current drama. I now have to study for my balagan ( shit show) of the rest of the week. I also have 3 very large pimples. Which, are also depressing me currently. The loml (love of my life) is still happy with the gf and planning on being a cog neuro prof as well. You should be proud. I ate a falafal today, and am planning for pudding on thurs. Because, I can. I still like you, prof. But I am a sad sad lady. --j

Midterms, Baked Goods, and inappropriate YouTubing

Midterms begin tom! And I have to do well on my cog neuro exam. Mostly because I'm in love with my prof. But also because I have strong amorous feelings towards someone who is now getting their PhD in the same subject. And when i commented to say congrats on facebook, because, i mean, i'm a creeper, I was the ONLY asshole who refused to comment on the status. And chose to do a wall post instead. Because I like to think I'm special. Really, I'm just as asshole. Although to be fair, I tend to think there are more assholes in this world so I wouldn't be the only one. For instance my life is filled with people who think I don't deserve as much attention as a dog. a dead dog.

This is a link someone sent to me in order to combat the midterm bluesies:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=sbRom1Rz8OA
I find it incredibly entertaining. Albeit, against my will. Watch it!

So, 2 Wednesdays ago...I know I've sucked at blogging recently--Every thing was slightly strange. Question boy in statistics wasn't there to ask any questions--teacher was not making sense---weird asians were weird and made the teacher uncomfortable--and annoying girl in cog neuro rec't was all flirty with cog neuro t.a. Which is ridic because A) She's totes a lesbian and B) I'm the only one allowed to have inappropriate feelings towards cog neuro personnel.

Also, my back's starting to hurt which is my body's lovely way of saying "stop eating so many baked goods. fat ass." And that makes me sad a little. And then I take excessive amounts of pain killers so it stops hurting, and wash them down with banana pudding.

I want to send good vibes out this week--so that the positivity police will protect me and make good things happen! Mostly this means I need to avoid my roommate. And eat a lot of baked goods. And watch Spartacus: Blood and Sand online tonight to prep for tom. Mostly because there's a lot of blood (on the sand) and naked hot men. And naked hot xena:warrior princess. Actually I don't think xena's naked. I think I'm projecting on that.

I called a neurologist to ask if i could interview with him. He didn't have an emaill listed on his web page. What? Seriously? I was born in 89, I'm too fucking socially awkward to make a phone call! He hasn't called me back. It's ok. I'm being positive this week. And eating baked goods.

Happy midterms everyone! Except you, girl who flirts with cog neuro t.a. That's not okay with me. I'm judging you.

Yes, I am THAT lame

I feel somehow, anti-American today, dear readers. I don't really like snow days. Mostly, this is because they inconvenience my plans, don't occur when I really want them to, and cause me to stay cooped up in my apartment all day alone with my "roommates" (who hate meeeeeeeeeeeeee).

So, I shall blog! and eat cheerios! And celebrate my few moments of apartment solitude while watching my "Stories" and Divorce Court where a man just said, "She's got this independence thing in her head...this is MY HOUSE!" And then told the female judge that "I bet your husband runs your house!" Then talked a lot about G-d and said that He made women..."just to comfort man, not to run anything!"

I like this man. He reminds me of my friend "Mr weird dude" who hangs out on B and 3rd. Mr Weird dude hangs out on B and 3rd ALL DAY EVERY DAY. Some days I wonder if he's a dealer. He is totes sketch. But I never see him do anything. He just stands there. Even when it's cold. Except sometimes he'll ask peeps if they have a light. And most of the time they don't. And then he keeps standing there.

Last night I walked 30 min in a raging blizzard. Made it all the way to the theatre without falling! Then fell, ass submerged, into a puddle. Across the street from the theatre. Then sat, ass soaked, for 2 hours, watching the show then walked back home in the snow. I AM EPIC.

So, I FINALLY MET WITH MY COG NEURO PROF. And she is totes amazing. Although I'm still completely intimidated by her. In fact, I blew off another class 20 min early just so I didn't have to ask her to push back the time. She gave me this website where you can look up research and I spent like 8 hours doing it! And, therefore, NOT doing any of my homework. But I LOVE her the mostest, so it's okay.

Alas, dear readers, I shall put on pants. Brave the cold, drink some over-priced coffee and read about cognitive neuroscience!

Yes, I am THAT lame.

I am 21. Look out, hipsters, I'm hitting the social scene in my GIANT, dirty, blue parka!

So, I DIDN'T VOMIT LAST NIGHT! Which, personally I feel is a major, epic, WIN. However, there is a big part of me...the reluctant NYU hipster, bulimic part, that would have felt slightly better knowing that the massive burrito, rice, beans, chips, salsa, cupcake, banana pudding, margaritas, and beer would NOT be making an appearance at the end of my digestive tract--and thereby comfortably settling into my fat cells.

So, I wasn't actually carded at the restaurant, but I don't think the waitress thought I was 21. I just don't think she cared. Which reminds me of waitstaff in Israel, which makes me a bit nostalgic. I am extraordinarily socially awkward, and I invited multiple people to come to dinner--most of whom didn't know one another. (I'm 21 and I still don't know the difference between who and whom). So, I felt like I should try to make conversation between them, but I'm really awkward so I was just like yea...this person's cool! and they're cool too! I feel that my friends in general are less awk than I am, so they'd do a better job at conversing than I would at attempting to force them to converse.

WE WERE THE ONLY WHITE PEEPS IN THE RESTAURANT. SCORE! This not only speaks to how legit the food was (half the menu was in Spanish!) but also to how legit-ly cool we were/are. I mean, really, the ONLY white-folks. Also, since this place is near my apt, it speaks to how cool I am for living there. REally, I'm AWESOME.

After people got bored/tired of me and started to leave one by one, my two remaining comrades and I decided to go back to my apt (to urinate and drop off the DANK cupcakes my lovely gay boyfriend baked for me!) and then to go to ACE bar on 5th and B. To be like legit carded/served alcohol. Which I was! And I learned to tip bartenders! And I learned how dark bars are so you don't see how ugly the dude you're making out with actually is until the morning! After drinking a bit I was just the sleepiest/and the coldest because I wore a dress w/o leggings and sandals. (Is there a 3rd g in leggings?). So, I decided we should call it a night. It was after midnight after all! Basically, I'm really, really old.

On the walk back to my apt, some girl said loudly, "Why is that girl (ME!!!!!!!!!!!!) wearing sandals?!?!?" I laughed and told my friends (loudly) what she said. Sometimes I wonder if people know that when they're speaking loudly about someone on the street the other person can actually hear them...peeps be lame. Although I talk shit all the time, so...

All in all, a great b-day was had! And now I have enough candy/pudding/cupcakes to keep me satiated for a long while!

p.s. The continually mentioned object of my affections did NOT facebook happy birthday me. Which, seems to suggest, that even friendship---nay even facebook friendship-- is unreciprocated. I hope my 21 yr old self is mature enough to give it up.

Furry Things.

Dog peed on floor. What to do. What to do. Not cleaning it up. Don't want to step in it. Dog pee. Dog pee.

Old woman. In theatre. Wearing giant white fur hat. Patron behind her, "Could you please remove the hat?" It was giant. As in an entire animal. Man with furry woman. "That is NOT going to happen." Actors enter. Women's friend screams, "I can't see!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" Hugh Dancy is on stage, ma'am. Woman leaves to find usher. NEVER comes back. Was she kicked out? Is furry lady a theatre goddess? who knows. Disappeared woman's friend squirms and sighs for the entire first act.

Intermission:
Usher, "Ma'am, can you please remove the hat?" Chatter chatter chatter. Lady claims she never heard request to remove from the ladies behind her. LIESLIES. Women screams, "He said 'That's not gonna happen!!!!!!!'" Usher, "Please. No yelling." I felt her pain. The entire audience was united however, against this unfortunate couple. And that felt nice. Act 2. Woman was returned. Hat was removed.

END SCENE.
p.s. usher was british. so, ma'am is probs an incorrect translation of what she originally intended to say.

Before I CUT a bitch

Dear reader, do you remember that girl who bitched to her friend on the phone about how un-feminine she felt not wearing high heels? I do, dear reader. Mostly, because I see her lots at Starbucks and she's always a bizotch. Today, I saw her on the street on the way TO starbucks. And, dear reader, all I could think was, she looks 40. I'm serious. The amount of make-up she had caking the pores of her face aged her 20 years. I mean she's not unattractive. But the make-up and fake blonde highlighted hair reminded me of a friend('s mother). By which I mean she looked OLD. She cut me off in line, dear reader. And bitched to her friend about something muy pedestrian, of this I am sure. I think I win though. Mostly because the cops think I'm a teen runaway.

Today in my extraordinarily unhelpful stats recitation, my T.A. was saying something (she always is) and, per usual, I was reading a New York Times article online. This is mostly because I can't follow her lectures. There are even worksheets. To guide us. We go number by number and i have NO IDEA WHAT SHE'S TALKING ABOUT. (and, YES. she actually speaks English!)

Okay, there is some loud ass noise coming into my window. It's 11pm and I need to be up in 8 hours. For an exam. I will CUT a bitch. what the fuck is that?!?!

Anyhoo, during pointlessness, my stomach started to rumble. Not cute, quiet rumble. 20 min loud ass, someone get this girl a f***ing poptart kinda rumble. Interesting, dear reader, f***ing and poptart both came up as misspelled. But "kinda" did not. Is that a word now? So, there i was stomach rumbling like an ass...I grabbed myself around the middle in an attempt to quash said sound, to NO avail, I might add. Oh, well. At least it provided a bit of entertainment.

Dear reader, there ARE straight men in NY! They congregate in coffee shops that charge too much and have wifi. One such place just opened near me. They serve H&H bagels. It's called Atlas. I shall now go there more often. With mascara. And desperation.

Love,
me
p.s. noise best stop before i CUT a bitch.

V - Day! By which I mean veneral disease.

Yes, dear readers, today is valentines day. In Colombia, they call it..."spanishspanishspanish" aka: Day of love and friendship. I like that, mostly because I am alone. And recently drunk facebooked the loml (love of my life) who, I'm sure, is celebrating with awesome girlfriend. I also recently have been contemplating a non-date that I experienced, which has led me to the understanding that I know nothing about men. This belief has been cemented during subsequent encounters.

Dear readers, relationships are hard, and break-ups are sad. And sad, angry, lonely, bitter people are generally more interesting to be around than the happy ones. Mostly because I'm a self-centered bizotch who doesn't like to see other people happy. But, dear readers, I am also a firm believer in karma, and for that reason alone I am going into today: the day of chocolate and wine and bitterness with an open, happy heart.

Speaking of wine, dear reader, I got wasteyed the other night. But, I didn't vomit, so I was very proud of that. I think you are too, dear reader! And I spoke to some nice, fun israelis who tried to make me speak hebrew--which was actually significantly easier the drunker I got. Or maybe I was just as bad but was less aware of it the drunker I got. Also, i tend to get confused by the actions of israeli men. and men in general.

Also, I am again attempting to work up my courage to go to cog neuro office hours. Damn you snow storm shattering my resolve!

So, dear readers, Happy Valentine's Day to you! I hope your day is filled with chocolate, and gluttony, and sex. (if you so choose.).

SNOW DAY!

Finally. Finally I work up the courage to go to my cog neuro prof's office hours. And what happens? A f***ing blizzard. That's what. And NYU cancels classes for a snow day for the first time in 2 zillion years. Some would take this as fate. I should not go. No, no, I say. I say this gives me more time for preparation--because as a socially awk nutter I need all the prep time I can get. I'm like a social dyslexic. I simply need extra time.

I came home. Pissed. About said snow day. And screamed some explitives about life. Then my roommate started to cry about sick dog. And I felt like a punk. But, ya know, I was pissed. And I'm only 20 so my pre-frontal cortex isn't entirely developed, so I have a hard time controlling my pissy-ness.

I was a bigger person today, dear reader. I wanted to watch TV in the living room of the apt. But my roommate came back. With a boy. So I retreated to my bat cave. Which is thus named A)for it's extraordinarily small size and B) because all of the light bulbs burned out. Again. I hope she gets laid. True story.

First stats test next week! I am not approving of this. For some reason there is a group of freshmen in all 3 of my psych classes. The same freshmen. And I am a junior. For this reason, I feel stupid. Also, I feel like I was smarter 2 years ago. Or at least tried harder. Which amounted to the same thing.

Also, I wanted a burrito. I gave up a free Qdoba (sp?) burrito. Because I was going to be on campus til late. Then classes got canceled. Then I bought a burrito from neighburrito. They have vegan cheese. But, they were out of it. Which made me happy, because then I was forced to eat real, yummy, cheese. My tum tum is angered.

My puppy is still sick. Mostly because he's not a puppy. Mostly because he's 12. And a pit bull. Also, he's not actually mine.

I decided to watch internet TV so my roommate could have private time. Then the website kicked me off for viewing over 72 minutes. Can we say, judgmental?

Things that go bump in the night...

It's interesting dear reader...not that I have insomnia, for that occurs far too often to be extremely noteworthy-- in fact, lying in bed at 11 pm and not falling asleep until after 5am seems to be, in fact, a particularly impressive quality that I possess. No, it's interesting that during my insomnia last night I heard my roommates getting up and using the bathroom. Perhaps 5 times in all during the night. This is interesting A) because peeps generally don't bathroom in the middle of the night (let alone multiple times!) and B) because post-bathrooming I heard the shutting of a bedroom door-suggesting that the bathroomer was NOT roommate A who, apparently, was also possessed by the demon of insomnia (SHE doesn't sleep with her door closed,) but roommate B who claimed to sleep through the night undisturbed. Curious. I also have mice, dear reader. In my walls. I want to snuggle them to pieces. My cat is too large/obese/lazy to chase them. She just sleeps. In retrospect she is my roommate's cat. But when she gets into the catnip she's a little slut.

On the subject of bathroom-ing, dear reader: Every day, post Kimmel lunch, I like to take a little constitutional to the Bobst stack bathrooms in order to relieve myself. Mostly, I like this location because it's generally empty. Not today, dear reader. Today, about a minute after I settled in, some girl walked in sniffing so loudly that I thought she would hyperventilate. If her goal was NOT smelling things she seemed to be going about it in an awfully strange way. I stifled a giggle.

I've replaced one obsession for another, dear reader. In terms of my non-existent, solely in my head, romantic life. I am okay with this. Mostly because I find my exquisite fantasy life to be much more fulfilling than legit peeps. Hope that doesn't make me too much of a creeper!

Today, post-constitutional, I participated in a 2-hr MRI experiment. I anxiously await an email in which my brain scans will be attached!!!! B*** best NOT forget. I WANT MY BRAINS!!!!!

My week in review

Turns out I really like the guy from my class whose eyes I mentioned previously as looking high. He's from Chile and very sweet. Probably too sweet to actually like women, but I felt like we didn't know each other well enough for me to broach the subject quite yet.

Things I learned about myself this past week:
1) I don't understand men. I try to reference "He's Just Not That Into You" every time my brain gets into a big debate over what a guy actually means when he says/does certain things. But really all I understand is that I understand nothing and as liberating as it is to say "he's just not that into me," it's also just a tad-bit sad, lonely, and self-hatred-ing.

2) I am NEVER allowed to drink espresso at 9pm again. EVER. I will not sleep at all. All night long. EVER EVER EVER

3) I want my professors to like me. Mostly so they'll write me nice letters of rec for grad school (if I ever decide to apply), but also so we can be bffl. (best friends for life). And also because I'm inappropriately attracted to people in power.

I think there was a "snow storm" outside last night. I live on the 5th floor, so I honestly have no clue. My foot is falling asleep because I've been in bed so long.

I really want to be fluent in Hebrew when I'm done Rosetta stoning in 6 months. I don't think this is a reasonable goal, and that saddens me verily.

I ate chips yesterday in the silent library and felt like an asshole.
I forgot about the career fair and didn't wear a suit to campus. I felt like an asshole.
MRI experiment on MON!!!!! Hope I don't freak out again!

It was a Tuesday

One of my classmates in my "see a play a week class" has "high eyes." As in, when he looks at me, or anyone else in the room, he seems perpetually high. The teacher has a delightful irish brogue, aka, we're gonna have some fun. i think im trying tibetan food tom night. I hope fred (and delores) behave themselves!

I almost cut multiple bitches for cutting me in the kimmel salad line today. I know you're freshmen. I know you're easily overwhelmed by the tiniest of things, but DON'T EFFING CUT ME. I mean it! I gets angry. The girl in front of me sensed my anger, laughed nervously, and handed the tongs directly to me even though a girl had gotten in front of her and was therefore standing at the lettuce sans tongs. victory! Every day when I get my salad i rush off in a corner (like a bulimic) and shovel enough food into my mouth so the salad weighs less than a pound and the nyu dictatorship cannot rob me of more money. truth.

I got my eyebrows threaded today by a lovely indian woman. I took 2 motrin and 2 tylenol about an hour before so they only hurt a little. Thank G-d for drugs!

I want a pet mouse. I'd name him Wilbert.

My cog neuro prof is awesome and thus incredibly intimidating. I am trying to "mind over matter" getting over my crush who's remarkably happy with her gf. LAME. I am LAME.

I'm eating chickpeas. And will soon eat (overcooked) broccoli so I don't have to mess with any of those lame-ass vitamins!

So now they know I'm crazy

So, I've decided I have an anxiety disorder. Also, I'm bipolar and ADHD. But mostly, anxious, because when asked to read something aloud to the class my voice got really high, and shouty and loud and then when I was finished the entire class sat in silence and the TA started talking about how you need to listen for "pressured" speech because it's a sign of mania. As in, I'm insane, as in, that's what everyone was thinking.

Also, my cog neuro prof is amazing, and I find it overwhelming to be in her presence. Also, I refused to get out of my jammies all day on Sunday, and I just read, watched Xena, and imagined scenarios in my head of situations I would like to come true because they make me happy. I can't wait til I'm legal, so I can drink away the willies! But mostly, because there's nothing classier than Trader Joe's wine and getting wastey faced at 1 in the afternoon on unlimited mimosas. Sometimes I think people try to make my life more difficult than it has to be.

Also, non-linear speech is a MAJOR sign of psychosis. Oops. (*See all blog posts for reference to my worry.)

I'm gonna find the villain. I'm gonna find the bitch.

At the moment. I am sitting on the couch. Eating cheerios. Watching Dr. Phil. I can do this. Because I am the ONLY ONE HOME. This may end at any moment, and I will be the saddest lady who has ever lived. But until then...

1) Worry not, dear friends, I'm still doing the j-dating shiz! I chatted with this dude, Charmer, and when I had to go and he asked if we'd ever speak again I felt bad, so I gave out my email address, and now he emailed me, and now I feel compelled to respond. But I am too frightened to meet people in personage, so my response would be "hey." And then he'd be all "hey, whut up?" I'd be all "nothing"...he'd be all, "wanna hang out...?" and because i feel bad i might be compelled to say yes and be subsequently raped/murdered.

I have now been "viewed" by 99 peeps. "Hotlisted" by 5. And IM'ed by 9. Basically, I am a HOT PIECE OF ASS.

I ALSO HAVE "HOTLISTED" ONE LOVER OF MY OWN. I AM A STUD.

2) My phone has been dialing while in my pants. The other day my phone dialed. While in my pants. While going to the bathroom. It was a very private moment. And I only noticed it was calling when I heard the voice mail lady echoing in the stall.

3) My crush-extraordinaire is still MIA. I am trying to be "aloof." But in that dark abyss of my chest where a heart should reside I just keep screaming..."LOVE ME YOU FOOL. LOVE ME!" It's very dramatic. Like Grey's Anatomy. On acid.

4) I saw "As you Like it" last night at the BAM. (Is it THE BAM? or BAM? I'm not pretentious enough to know these things)...and reminisced about freshman year of high school when I played Audrey (the slutty one). I also made a semi-friend in my class. Because we talked for more than 3 minutes. I don't smoke like she does, so she probs thinks that's a little uncool. Maybe I should start. Then I got lost in Brooklyn trying to find my subway back. It was cold. I finally found a 2/3 station. I do not take the 2. or the 3. So, I asked an attractive make-upped girl (she must be from manhattan!) if she knew any of the stops...and she's all..."yea..." "where are you going?" And i'm all..."the f" and she's all..."did you know there's an f train stop around the corner?" No dear readers, i did NOT know this. I did NOT know if my fingers were still attached to my hands either because they were too cold. I DID know that she thought i was dumb. Not like the creeper on the subway platform who told me repeatedly that i was a "good girl."

5) I WANT TO BE MY COG NEURO PROF. SHE IS AWESOME, HELLS YEA KINDA AWESOME. I WANT TO BEBEBE HER. TRUTHSKIES.

6) I failed a powerpoint test at my temp agency. certainly not an all time low, but...

7) And p to the s...IT'S 9 DEGREES WITH WINDCHILL! HELL TO THE NO!

Burned Chickpeas

Today I burned chickpeas. In a pan. How you may ask? A delightful little combination known as no sleep, 12 hour school days, using as little water as possible so it boils quickly, and being distracted by cognitive neuroscience notes that I NEED that refuse to print and a dying dog. Truth, the apartment smells like smoke. And I was once again the stupid little child that makes things unpleasant for the adults. I'm okay with that. People are happier when they have someone to compare themselves to--someone they feel superior to in some way. So I'm okay when the 40 yr old chef asks if I "even know how a stove works?" In a totes non-sarcastic, contempt dripping manner. I laugh, and look sheepish. Because frankly, if your day was half as sucky as mine, you need a little uplifting. I have israeli chocolate in the fridge. You can have dripping contempt all over your shirt. AND FANNY PACK.

p.s. currently listening to Amos Lee's "Shout out Loud" on repeatttt. So should you!
p.p.s. I can't pronounce one of the hebrew letters correctly. this is a problem. it's a popular letter. it is placed on the QWERTY keyboard where "r" is. THAT'S how important it is.

To MY kitty. (aka roomie's kitty)

Dear kitten,
I love you lots. Mostly because you're so fat and snuggly. Truth, you have dandruff, and get it all over me. And truth your fatness makes you unable to clean your coughcough "unspeakable" regions and you get kinda smelly. But mostly, you're the only one living in my apartment who gets happy when I come home. Mostly I feel in the way. But not to you, dear kitten, never to you. I've heard they eat kitten in some parts of the world, but I would NEVER let that happen to you. Mostly because the crush of my dreams has a kitten. So this could be a talking point for us. That and cognitive neuroscience, which I'm taking for that very purpose. In retrospect, the latter may not have been such a good idea. but, the class is taught by a lady, who seems nice, and I like her laugh. And that is important. Kittens are excellent bonding points: especially when you discuss how much fun it is to be mildly abusive to them. (by which I mean dressing them up in Halloween costumes and snuggling them to pieces even when they don't want to snuggle!) Your claws say no, but your eyes...actually they say no too. But your softness says YESYES a million times YES!

Today, kitten, I was in the vegan dining hall in the freshman dorm and peeps thought I was a socially awkward freshman. In reality I am a socially awk junior. I fooled them! Actually, I'm sad, because I don't like it when peeps think I'm a freshman.

Oh, kitten, you've gotten your kitten fur all over my laptop. It's okay, I like it when your fur covers my belongings.

Oh, and one more thing kitten--you are the only one I've ever tried to coerce into my bed. Only you kitten do I dream about going to bed and waking with. Only you, dear kitten, are my mack daddy.

Love,
Jaclyn

I want to marry Ben Matlock.

Just when my self-respect has hit a dangerously low level of epic proportions, and I'm seriously considering lobotomizing myself in order to forget about my epic-ly unfortunate crush, I get an email response, that reminds me of how AWESOME said crush really is. And I lose my nerve to de-friend on facebook aka extricate from life. I was sooooooo close. Really Boo. Really!

What to do...I know, go on JDATE! I was po-ed that no one was chatting me in the 3 minutes I signed on during the afternoon, but then I realized that it is a weekday, and normal people work, and I shall NOT be willing to date a dude that is not gamefully employed and therefore unable to jdate chat during a Friday afternoon.

p.s. online dating is the creepiest. and i am terrified of meeting people in person due to my extreme level of social awkwardness.

p.p.s do bakeries judge you for returning twice in the same day/hour?

p.p.p.s am i the only asshole who can't manage to buy the books, let alone do ANY of the readings for my crazy classes?

p.p.p.p.s one of my classes is full of crazy hipsters who look at me with sadness and pity. though i am somewhat of a hipster myself. seeing as i prefer snuggling my kitty to interacting with humans, eating edamame to meat, and drinking coffee to any kind of legitimate food source.

OH, WHAT TO DO?!? Chocolate, jdate, self-pity, and xanax it is! Happy Friday night, everyone!

OH, AND I KNOW I AM THE WORLD'S WORST PERSON FOR THINKING THIS...BUT DOES THE HAITI TELETHON REALLY NEED TO BE ON ALL THE CHANNELS? I DON'T GET CABLE, AND AM DESPERATELY IN NEED OF EXTERNAL STIMULATION! (THAT WILL NOT END IN PREGNANCY. OR THE CLAP).

G-d made pets so there'd be less whores.

So, I am anxiously awaiting a reply from one-who-i-must-stop-crushing-on, and i feel like a lohooser for not getting a response yet. Instead of being evolved and not caring I mutter things over my breath like, "I hate D for not responding. HATE HATE HATE. I want to write another message explaining my HATRED." But then I realize the emotion I'm feeling is love and not hate and I sigh and get saddened and go on JDATE!

Things I've accomplished thus far on J-Date:
1) Chatted with a 33 yr old man named Jayson. Pros: employed! Name is not Adam or Steve (the taboo names!) Funnyish. Able to carry on a conversation. Gave me his contact info. CON: Actually wants to meet me in person (yikes!), used the word, "pussy," and began the conversation attempting to make me his 20 yr old midnight booty call. So here's the legit prob with in person meetings, what if I look cuter in pics than real life? I don't want to disappoint the horny, "fertile" (his word, not mine) 33 yr old bloke. In one pic I was make-upped by a friend (I don't even own make-up), and in another I just happened to look cute, FLUKE. FATE. FATED FLUKE. OM TO THE G.

2) Phoenix(random numbers). Pros: looks cutish in the pic I saw. Artist. Painter. 27. CONS: kept pressuring me to get skype. (I'm extremely socially awk with regards to chatting while looking while being in different rooms. It's weird! And my ex-roomie did it ALL the time freshman year with her boo, and I always felt like I was the awk 3rd person in the room. Except there were only 2 peeps in the room. And boy wonder was NOT one of them. And at the end of every convo she would say, "Silly, silly, that's youuuuuuuuu!" In a high pitched voice, and ever since then I've felt awfully uncomfortable with skype. Also, his name is STEVE. See above. A name which, for many reasons, is taboo in my life!

Tonight for dinner I ate edamame, cheerios, and diet pepsi. Aka, I am an awesome hipster. An awesome hipster who's massively in unreciprocated love, taking cognitive neuroscience (wtf?!?), and applying for temp jobs. Basically: awesome hipster incarnate.

p.s. I made an ass out of myself and in the process found myself surrounded by about 10 NYU security guards. It was a roughrough afternoon.

p.p.s I have a starbucks mug!

In the heat of the moment, I can Curse like a Sailor!

At the age of 20, I've been forcibly reminded multiple times this past week that 30 yr olds are DRAMA QUEENS. You think this is something we grow out of. After Sally harrassed your 12 yr old ass in the middle school bathroom--splashing water all over you until it looked like you were unable to control your bladder. After Sue Ann who, at 17, started sending your crush vulgar text messages until he boned her in the locker room. You think by 30 Sally and Sue Ann would have grown up. Or, you know, be dead. But I digress...perhaps the over 30 crowd greets any sense of optimism or hope that 20-somethings have as a sign of weakness. ignorance. stupidity. Perhaps they enjoy telling us how naiive we are to believe in G-d, love, happiness, ponies, rainbows, snuggles, vodka, PBR, TiVo. There was a time when I would have reacted with anger at such obvious snide-ness. But, I am too old. Or perhaps too young. For that kind of bullshit in my life.

It is now 2010. I went into the new year in an above average excellent manner. Mostly, this is because last year was below average. In baditude. I was with my besty. We did NOT get wastey. We danced and sang while watching a giant pineapple drop from the sky (oh, Florida!) and completely embarrassed her younger cousins and brother. We were soccer moms. And it was awesersome.

I made a few resolutions:
1) Buy Rosetta Stone (I heart student loans!) and finally get fluent on Hebrew.
2) Fall out of obsessive love with my crush of the past 3 years. (This one has been the most difficult).
3) JOIN J-DATE. (WHICH I HAVE DONE, AND WILL BE FOLLOWING CLOSELY ON THIS BLOG). HOWEVER, I AM THUS FAR INCAPABLE OF CORRECTLY POSTING PICS AND THEREFORE AM HIGHLY SUSPICIOUS OF THE ONE DUDE WHO TRIED TO CHAT ME.
4) Go out on a date.
5) Get a job.
6) Learn more.
7) Stop letting toxic people bring me downnnnnnnnnnn. (like the economy!) This one's difficult only inasmuch as people being mean to me or those I love makes me want to cutabitch.
8) Accomplish greatness
9) Make my crush fall madly in love with me!
10) Stop wishing for number 9.

ALSO, I PROMISE TO START WRITING AT LEAST 4 TIMES A WEEK NOW THAT I'VE RETURNED.

Also, both my cuz and uncle hijacked my laptop in order to fix it the last few days and it reminds me of this criminal minds episode where this guy has multiple personalities and one is a computer dude IT expert who hacks into computers to fix them and the other personality is his evil dad and the other one is the archangel gabriel, and gabriel watches the peeps through their computers and when they sin...he goes to their houses and KILLS THEM.

I shared this with Kendall, the 3rd Rosetta Stone techie I talked to (technology hates meeeeeeeee) and he laughed. Basically, we had a moment. And it was grand. And it was kinda awk too, b/c i asked if I could ask for him if I needed to call back and he said there were too many people that worked there, and there was this really awk pause where I thought he might ask for my number. and he didn't. and it was awk.

THE END!