I'm gonna find the villain. I'm gonna find the bitch.

At the moment. I am sitting on the couch. Eating cheerios. Watching Dr. Phil. I can do this. Because I am the ONLY ONE HOME. This may end at any moment, and I will be the saddest lady who has ever lived. But until then...

1) Worry not, dear friends, I'm still doing the j-dating shiz! I chatted with this dude, Charmer, and when I had to go and he asked if we'd ever speak again I felt bad, so I gave out my email address, and now he emailed me, and now I feel compelled to respond. But I am too frightened to meet people in personage, so my response would be "hey." And then he'd be all "hey, whut up?" I'd be all "nothing"...he'd be all, "wanna hang out...?" and because i feel bad i might be compelled to say yes and be subsequently raped/murdered.

I have now been "viewed" by 99 peeps. "Hotlisted" by 5. And IM'ed by 9. Basically, I am a HOT PIECE OF ASS.

I ALSO HAVE "HOTLISTED" ONE LOVER OF MY OWN. I AM A STUD.

2) My phone has been dialing while in my pants. The other day my phone dialed. While in my pants. While going to the bathroom. It was a very private moment. And I only noticed it was calling when I heard the voice mail lady echoing in the stall.

3) My crush-extraordinaire is still MIA. I am trying to be "aloof." But in that dark abyss of my chest where a heart should reside I just keep screaming..."LOVE ME YOU FOOL. LOVE ME!" It's very dramatic. Like Grey's Anatomy. On acid.

4) I saw "As you Like it" last night at the BAM. (Is it THE BAM? or BAM? I'm not pretentious enough to know these things)...and reminisced about freshman year of high school when I played Audrey (the slutty one). I also made a semi-friend in my class. Because we talked for more than 3 minutes. I don't smoke like she does, so she probs thinks that's a little uncool. Maybe I should start. Then I got lost in Brooklyn trying to find my subway back. It was cold. I finally found a 2/3 station. I do not take the 2. or the 3. So, I asked an attractive make-upped girl (she must be from manhattan!) if she knew any of the stops...and she's all..."yea..." "where are you going?" And i'm all..."the f" and she's all..."did you know there's an f train stop around the corner?" No dear readers, i did NOT know this. I did NOT know if my fingers were still attached to my hands either because they were too cold. I DID know that she thought i was dumb. Not like the creeper on the subway platform who told me repeatedly that i was a "good girl."

5) I WANT TO BE MY COG NEURO PROF. SHE IS AWESOME, HELLS YEA KINDA AWESOME. I WANT TO BEBEBE HER. TRUTHSKIES.

6) I failed a powerpoint test at my temp agency. certainly not an all time low, but...

7) And p to the s...IT'S 9 DEGREES WITH WINDCHILL! HELL TO THE NO!

Burned Chickpeas

Today I burned chickpeas. In a pan. How you may ask? A delightful little combination known as no sleep, 12 hour school days, using as little water as possible so it boils quickly, and being distracted by cognitive neuroscience notes that I NEED that refuse to print and a dying dog. Truth, the apartment smells like smoke. And I was once again the stupid little child that makes things unpleasant for the adults. I'm okay with that. People are happier when they have someone to compare themselves to--someone they feel superior to in some way. So I'm okay when the 40 yr old chef asks if I "even know how a stove works?" In a totes non-sarcastic, contempt dripping manner. I laugh, and look sheepish. Because frankly, if your day was half as sucky as mine, you need a little uplifting. I have israeli chocolate in the fridge. You can have dripping contempt all over your shirt. AND FANNY PACK.

p.s. currently listening to Amos Lee's "Shout out Loud" on repeatttt. So should you!
p.p.s. I can't pronounce one of the hebrew letters correctly. this is a problem. it's a popular letter. it is placed on the QWERTY keyboard where "r" is. THAT'S how important it is.

To MY kitty. (aka roomie's kitty)

Dear kitten,
I love you lots. Mostly because you're so fat and snuggly. Truth, you have dandruff, and get it all over me. And truth your fatness makes you unable to clean your coughcough "unspeakable" regions and you get kinda smelly. But mostly, you're the only one living in my apartment who gets happy when I come home. Mostly I feel in the way. But not to you, dear kitten, never to you. I've heard they eat kitten in some parts of the world, but I would NEVER let that happen to you. Mostly because the crush of my dreams has a kitten. So this could be a talking point for us. That and cognitive neuroscience, which I'm taking for that very purpose. In retrospect, the latter may not have been such a good idea. but, the class is taught by a lady, who seems nice, and I like her laugh. And that is important. Kittens are excellent bonding points: especially when you discuss how much fun it is to be mildly abusive to them. (by which I mean dressing them up in Halloween costumes and snuggling them to pieces even when they don't want to snuggle!) Your claws say no, but your eyes...actually they say no too. But your softness says YESYES a million times YES!

Today, kitten, I was in the vegan dining hall in the freshman dorm and peeps thought I was a socially awkward freshman. In reality I am a socially awk junior. I fooled them! Actually, I'm sad, because I don't like it when peeps think I'm a freshman.

Oh, kitten, you've gotten your kitten fur all over my laptop. It's okay, I like it when your fur covers my belongings.

Oh, and one more thing kitten--you are the only one I've ever tried to coerce into my bed. Only you kitten do I dream about going to bed and waking with. Only you, dear kitten, are my mack daddy.

Love,
Jaclyn

I want to marry Ben Matlock.

Just when my self-respect has hit a dangerously low level of epic proportions, and I'm seriously considering lobotomizing myself in order to forget about my epic-ly unfortunate crush, I get an email response, that reminds me of how AWESOME said crush really is. And I lose my nerve to de-friend on facebook aka extricate from life. I was sooooooo close. Really Boo. Really!

What to do...I know, go on JDATE! I was po-ed that no one was chatting me in the 3 minutes I signed on during the afternoon, but then I realized that it is a weekday, and normal people work, and I shall NOT be willing to date a dude that is not gamefully employed and therefore unable to jdate chat during a Friday afternoon.

p.s. online dating is the creepiest. and i am terrified of meeting people in person due to my extreme level of social awkwardness.

p.p.s do bakeries judge you for returning twice in the same day/hour?

p.p.p.s am i the only asshole who can't manage to buy the books, let alone do ANY of the readings for my crazy classes?

p.p.p.p.s one of my classes is full of crazy hipsters who look at me with sadness and pity. though i am somewhat of a hipster myself. seeing as i prefer snuggling my kitty to interacting with humans, eating edamame to meat, and drinking coffee to any kind of legitimate food source.

OH, WHAT TO DO?!? Chocolate, jdate, self-pity, and xanax it is! Happy Friday night, everyone!

OH, AND I KNOW I AM THE WORLD'S WORST PERSON FOR THINKING THIS...BUT DOES THE HAITI TELETHON REALLY NEED TO BE ON ALL THE CHANNELS? I DON'T GET CABLE, AND AM DESPERATELY IN NEED OF EXTERNAL STIMULATION! (THAT WILL NOT END IN PREGNANCY. OR THE CLAP).

G-d made pets so there'd be less whores.

So, I am anxiously awaiting a reply from one-who-i-must-stop-crushing-on, and i feel like a lohooser for not getting a response yet. Instead of being evolved and not caring I mutter things over my breath like, "I hate D for not responding. HATE HATE HATE. I want to write another message explaining my HATRED." But then I realize the emotion I'm feeling is love and not hate and I sigh and get saddened and go on JDATE!

Things I've accomplished thus far on J-Date:
1) Chatted with a 33 yr old man named Jayson. Pros: employed! Name is not Adam or Steve (the taboo names!) Funnyish. Able to carry on a conversation. Gave me his contact info. CON: Actually wants to meet me in person (yikes!), used the word, "pussy," and began the conversation attempting to make me his 20 yr old midnight booty call. So here's the legit prob with in person meetings, what if I look cuter in pics than real life? I don't want to disappoint the horny, "fertile" (his word, not mine) 33 yr old bloke. In one pic I was make-upped by a friend (I don't even own make-up), and in another I just happened to look cute, FLUKE. FATE. FATED FLUKE. OM TO THE G.

2) Phoenix(random numbers). Pros: looks cutish in the pic I saw. Artist. Painter. 27. CONS: kept pressuring me to get skype. (I'm extremely socially awk with regards to chatting while looking while being in different rooms. It's weird! And my ex-roomie did it ALL the time freshman year with her boo, and I always felt like I was the awk 3rd person in the room. Except there were only 2 peeps in the room. And boy wonder was NOT one of them. And at the end of every convo she would say, "Silly, silly, that's youuuuuuuuu!" In a high pitched voice, and ever since then I've felt awfully uncomfortable with skype. Also, his name is STEVE. See above. A name which, for many reasons, is taboo in my life!

Tonight for dinner I ate edamame, cheerios, and diet pepsi. Aka, I am an awesome hipster. An awesome hipster who's massively in unreciprocated love, taking cognitive neuroscience (wtf?!?), and applying for temp jobs. Basically: awesome hipster incarnate.

p.s. I made an ass out of myself and in the process found myself surrounded by about 10 NYU security guards. It was a roughrough afternoon.

p.p.s I have a starbucks mug!

In the heat of the moment, I can Curse like a Sailor!

At the age of 20, I've been forcibly reminded multiple times this past week that 30 yr olds are DRAMA QUEENS. You think this is something we grow out of. After Sally harrassed your 12 yr old ass in the middle school bathroom--splashing water all over you until it looked like you were unable to control your bladder. After Sue Ann who, at 17, started sending your crush vulgar text messages until he boned her in the locker room. You think by 30 Sally and Sue Ann would have grown up. Or, you know, be dead. But I digress...perhaps the over 30 crowd greets any sense of optimism or hope that 20-somethings have as a sign of weakness. ignorance. stupidity. Perhaps they enjoy telling us how naiive we are to believe in G-d, love, happiness, ponies, rainbows, snuggles, vodka, PBR, TiVo. There was a time when I would have reacted with anger at such obvious snide-ness. But, I am too old. Or perhaps too young. For that kind of bullshit in my life.

It is now 2010. I went into the new year in an above average excellent manner. Mostly, this is because last year was below average. In baditude. I was with my besty. We did NOT get wastey. We danced and sang while watching a giant pineapple drop from the sky (oh, Florida!) and completely embarrassed her younger cousins and brother. We were soccer moms. And it was awesersome.

I made a few resolutions:
1) Buy Rosetta Stone (I heart student loans!) and finally get fluent on Hebrew.
2) Fall out of obsessive love with my crush of the past 3 years. (This one has been the most difficult).
3) JOIN J-DATE. (WHICH I HAVE DONE, AND WILL BE FOLLOWING CLOSELY ON THIS BLOG). HOWEVER, I AM THUS FAR INCAPABLE OF CORRECTLY POSTING PICS AND THEREFORE AM HIGHLY SUSPICIOUS OF THE ONE DUDE WHO TRIED TO CHAT ME.
4) Go out on a date.
5) Get a job.
6) Learn more.
7) Stop letting toxic people bring me downnnnnnnnnnn. (like the economy!) This one's difficult only inasmuch as people being mean to me or those I love makes me want to cutabitch.
8) Accomplish greatness
9) Make my crush fall madly in love with me!
10) Stop wishing for number 9.

ALSO, I PROMISE TO START WRITING AT LEAST 4 TIMES A WEEK NOW THAT I'VE RETURNED.

Also, both my cuz and uncle hijacked my laptop in order to fix it the last few days and it reminds me of this criminal minds episode where this guy has multiple personalities and one is a computer dude IT expert who hacks into computers to fix them and the other personality is his evil dad and the other one is the archangel gabriel, and gabriel watches the peeps through their computers and when they sin...he goes to their houses and KILLS THEM.

I shared this with Kendall, the 3rd Rosetta Stone techie I talked to (technology hates meeeeeeeee) and he laughed. Basically, we had a moment. And it was grand. And it was kinda awk too, b/c i asked if I could ask for him if I needed to call back and he said there were too many people that worked there, and there was this really awk pause where I thought he might ask for my number. and he didn't. and it was awk.

THE END!