Trains, Planes, and all the rest!

I wish I could say I was busy spending time with the love of my life, which is why I have not blogged lately. But unfortunately, no. I am just a lazy asshole. Plus, I totes would've bragged about the hang out, so I mean, that def didn't happen. I WENT TO QUEENS. AS IN JAMAICA. AS IN NOT ASTORIA, AKA NYU IN QUEENS! And I will totes blog about that as well, only first, there is a much more pressing matter to attend to: bus etiquette.

So, I went to Hartford for ye ol' thanksgiving day, and I was astounded--astounded I tell you! by the shitty bus etiquette that I encountered. I didn't use to be so bus sensitivo, no. It all started on a 14 hr bus ride from Cote di'voire (I never could spell that right...) to, the notorious, Accra. It was nighttime, dark, people were just the sleepiest, and we'd been watching a continuous marathon of Nigerian films. My favorite being, "I have a dream, to marry a richhhhhh woman. She will make me powerful, she will make me rich!" (I'm not sure if that's the title, but that WAS a popular refrain in the main song. Suddenly, another kind of movie came on: RAMBO! omg. It was like America was calling me and telling me everything was going to be okay! But no, because one lady decided that she didn't want to see RAMBO. So, instead she turned music on her cell phone and blasted it. I mean, really. And no-one said anything to her! No one even looked at her! And I'm all, is this even really happening?!? WTF. Then I start to make really loud, passive aggressivo remarks about her rude-ness. (Because I can't say anything, because I'm white. And I would be that obnoxious white girl.) But no one says anything! Like 5 hours/20 min later: someone finally speaks to her. She FINALLY shuts off the music--and the driver shuts off Rambo and puts on another Nigerian film! Oh, you win, lady, you win.

This, is why, when two peeps behind me on the way back from Hartford started listening to music minus headphones, I nearly stabbed myself. In the aorta. (holla, Angelina Jolie in Girl Interrupted!)

For convenice sake, I shall make a list of unacceptable bus behavior:
1) NO LISTENING TO MUSIC W/OUT HEADPHONES.
2) IF NO ONE ELSE ON THE ENTIRE BUS IS SPEAKING, DO NOT HAVE A 2 HOUR CONVO WITH YOUR NEIGHBOR.
3) IF YOU ARE A T.A--IT IS NOT OKAY TO GRADE COMPLEX TESTS ON THE BUS, AT NIGHT, WHEN YOU HAVE TO SQUINT TO MAKE OUT THE WORDS IN THE DULL OVERHEAD GLOW. WE WORK HARD. GRADE US IN PROPER LIGHTING, PLEASE.
4) IF AT ALL POSSIBLE, DO NOT SIT NEXT TO ME.
5) DO NOT CUT THE BUS LINE.
6) DO NOT EAT FOOD THAT SMELLS BAD/GOOD.
7) DO NOT HAVE PROLONGED CELL PHONE CONVOS.
8) DO NOT CURSE MORE THAN 12 TIMES IN 1 MIN. THERE ARE CHILDREN ON BOARD.
9) DO NOT SIT NEXT TO ME.

When I finally reached the terminal, and began searching for the subway, these 2 undercover port authority cops called me over and asked how old I was. When I said 20, they looked unbelieving and demanded I.D. One cop then states that I look really young and they thought I was a teenage runaway/homeless while the other begins to write down ALL of my personal license info on a small green card. In order to distract me from this unnecessary invasion of privacy, cop number one begins asking me about my major/career plans/response to cold weather/why I didn't go home to FL for Thanksgiving. I mean, really. If a mysterious package shows up at my house in the SRQ (aka, sarasota, FL) WE WILL ALL KNOW WHO TO BLAME.

Blog Post, Long Overdue. From me, To you.

I am a lazy asshole. I awoke at 8, and stayed in bed til noon, because I had no desire to leave my warm nest that is lofty. I am now eating 1/2 cup of chickpeas and watching an infomercial about the "health master" because I do not have cable. Or I have a secret love attraction to it's maker, Montel Williams. Or both. Or neither. I'm considering making some roasted squash seeds. Or chickpeas. Or both. Not necessarily because I want them, but because I feel like a Native American. Using all the parts of the buffalo/squash. I feel clever, and useful, and inventful, and ultimately hipster all in one. I'm awaiting Matlock, which will start at 4. Still sitting in my Simpsons jammies and a half fur coat.

I have recently become frightened of being outdoors at night. Which is a problem, because it now gets dark at 4pm. This is mostly due to an episode of Criminal Minds in which hoodied dudes shot peeps point blank in the back of zee head. The prob is, that there are a LOT of sketch hoodied looking dudes on the l.e.s. and I not-so-secretly expect each and every one of them to shoot me in the back of my head. So, I keep awk-ly turning around to watch. Just in case.

I discovered last night that it truly is a small world/G-d likes to mess with me/I'm destined to get exactly what I want. Not because I should, but because it's destiny.

Emma Thompson put on a child prosti--tot (child prostitute)/child trafficking art show outside an NYU building. I didn't attend. Mostly because I was offended that I didn't get a formal invitation like Mayor Bloomberg. Speaking of which. I have decided that Mayor Bloomberg should adopt me and pay for my education. He's a billionaire. It's only fair. Oh, jammies. Oh, Sunday. My roommate told me I should go outside to "see the nice weather." The "stuff white people like" blog was right again! WE DO like making people feel guilty for not wanting to go outdoors!!!!!!!!!!!

I mean, if Rachel Maddow of MSNBC was there, I would certainly make an exception.

Stay Tuned for my next blog post entitled: "I've started dreaming of inappropriate sexual relations, rainbow colored butterflies, and angry spiders. Aka I think the 99.6% of my building who smoke zee shit are adding something new..."

New York, NY: it's a ___________ town.

Dear Law and Order: Criminal Intent,
Thanks for filming on my block today! It makes me feel like part of something creepier and more depraved than myself. You, and all the other crime shows out there teach me important life lessons every day. Like, how when the 3 dudes who were standing on the side-walk holding a car bumper in their hands and spray painting it gray asked if I wanted to try, I said no! I mean, really I did, but now I know all about fingerprints and DNA and it looked fo' reals to the sketch. Also, you've taught me how to stand up for myself. Like when Rhome, my puppy was hogging the couch all day, and I said NO! And he didn't listen. But then he got up, and I stole the spot, and I felt extremely mentally superior to him. And then I got up and said, "Don't take my spot!" And he didn't!!! Oh, Law and Order, you opened my eyes to the heinous side of life that I might never have seen. Criminal Minds, CSI, and all the rest may keep me up at nights. But, you, MR. L & O, YOU will always be my first.
Love,
J

Fated Pudding

Noise. At my window. Unusual. Strange. Pigeon encroaching upon my territory, perhaps? I could get up and check, but I am too frightened. Of pigeons. And men with knives. And the dark. Speaking of which, as soon as I turn out my lights and get in bed, it will be dark and I will have no idea of what is encroaching.

Also, I smell bad. I'm not entirely sure why. I feel like it has something to do with long sleeves. And prolonged exposure to the rain.

Also, I NEED to do laundry. Yesterday. But will be forced to settle for tomorrow.

Also, my t.a. just got back to me on my topic for a paper worth 25% of my grade. The email started with, "Well, I won't tell you not to do it, but..." And went on, just as one would expect it too.

Also, I still can't stop obsessing over my unrequited crush. However, I have decided that my life is busy/stressful/horrid enough that am I allowed one little itty bitty outlet. I need some sleepy time. I have accomplished nothing. Except self-pity. Does that count as being productive? I want some banana pudding right about now...

Also, I have to read an article for matryrdom on mon, but it wasn't posted correctly, and I can't email him AGAIN because im already an awk mo-fo. So i just can't read it. Oh, my problems encompass the world!

p.s. I heard an amazingly lovely and serendipitus (sp?) love story today. And I am giving over my unrequited issues to fate! Fate, serve me well! And in return, I will buy you a cup full of banana pudding.

p.p.s. if Sugar Sweet Sunshine ever puts calories on the banana pudding, I will cry. Fo' reals folks.

Sometimes, I'm just awkward (shocking, i know)

Ayeaye maties! So, monday night i was already totes over this week. bad sign seeing as i still had tues, wed, and thurs. and yet somehow, here I am! Still in the nyc, and as much of a self-loathing, cynical, and charming bizotch as ever. i'm re-reading Baumeister's article on unrequited love, in order to remind myself that the reason i cannot have my affection's object is because i am significantly less attractive than said other. And attractive people don't like to date less attractive people. Maybe I should write that down on a sticky note and post it to my fridge for inspiration? Repeat it as my mantra in the starbucks line. "I am unworthy because I am less attractive." Then again, that would seem to interfere with my other Starbucks goal of staring silently at uncomfortable passers-by.

So, i want to learn hebrew. like legit. and i had this brilliant idea that i could ask my israeli martyrdom t.a. to have coffee with me and speak to me in hebrew. but i am le shy, so i awkwardly emailed my awk prof in order to ask his opinion. upon further consideration this seems like a bad idea as A) It will probs look like I'm asking him out on a date. B) It's like free tutoring. C) It could make class awk and D) I actually SUCK at hebrew. (thanks boo for reminding me!!!) So now, i awkwardly await an awkward reply from my awkward prof about an awk situation that is totes completely my fault.

Also, at whole foods today, they were doing a thanksgiving day sampler. and i awkwardly wandered around the salad bar waiting for it to be ready. I consumed: 2 (extremely small) pun'kin' pie pieces. 1 piece of chocolate truffle. Spoonful of stuffing and a spoonful of strange organic whole foods mush. I washed it down with a shot of soup that i ladeled (sp?) in a dressing cup, and then went upstairs to get real food. The stuffing sitch was EPIC. It kept sticking to the spoon and not going on the plate...so i yelled...noooooooooooooooooo!! and the guy used his (gloved) finger to wipe it onto the plate...mmm...complex carbs.

that's enough for today. time to re-read "A lesson in Self Hatred" (aka: "unrequited love.") peace and love to you, RACHEL MADDOW OF MSNBC.

Unrequited Lightbulbs

Today marks the 2 month anniversary of my blog and I. (and me?) and us. For us? Oh, who knows...Speaking of relationships, I just spent the last hour reading a research study about unrequited love. I want nothing more than to curl up in the fetal position with lofty, and my obese cat, Moo. Unfortunately she's too large to climb onto lofty, and all of the lights are out in my room so I am sitting in le dark, which would presumably make it harder for me to smuggle/snuggle Moo up the ladder. The dark is ideal though, for the massive amounts of self-loathing induced by reading about unrequited love. Turns out: I'm just undesirable; delusional; selfish; and CRAAAZAY. Thanks, Baumeister, et al, thanks bunches.

Today I went to Whole Foods. Twice. Ate both my meals there, in fact. The first time, I got a salad bar---and did some HEAVY pre-purchase nibbling in line and by the bar where I was severely eye-contact chastized by some random socially well-adjusted blonde lady. I then proceeded to eat even more while simultaneously wiping my nose on my jean-jacket sleeve. (Classy, true?) I even filled a salad dressing cup with squash soup and poured it onto my salad so I could have soup & salad without paying for the soup! I felt like an a**hole until I came back in the eve for some squash soup (which I had been craving ALL week) and cornbread, and saw some bizotch boho chica down at least 4 dressing containers filled with soup. I mean, even I have more diginity than that. And I mean, come on...

I was morbidly distressed to discover that the squash soup was gone! I got red pepper instead (taking mammouth sips out of the container so I could refill it again and again--even burning my mouth in order to get one over on the man!) I then added cheese and crunchy soy things to my soup, closed the lid, watched the excess oooooze over, wiped my nose on my sleeve, grabbed the 2nd cheapest cornbread slice, and peaced in time to see Desperate Housewives. Phew! Long Day.

My afternoon was filled with walks, an inordinate amount of unsanitary samples at the Tompkins Sq Green Market...holla Tompkins!...and a self-check-out machine at a grocery store with which I had a prolonged conversation regarding my transaction. (One 2-liter diet sunkist that I drank in its entirety that very afternoon.)

So, for now, I will wish you adieu. Night all. Be Good. Stay clean. Vote for universal healthcare. And LOVE Rachel Maddow, as yourself.

BTW: Though it's intense, long-winded and yadda yadda...I'll attach the link to the Unrequited Love study...reading the first 3-4 pages is sufficient to understanding the study itself, as well as the tragedy of unrequited love. Only accessible through ze NYU login, sorry non-NYU'ers. And until next time, dear readers...

http://ezproxy.library.nyu.edu:16705/journals/psp/64/3/377.pdf

The reason I smell like dog...

For those of you who keep up with the Tyra Banks show (which, I do hope, is ALL of you, dear readers), there was recently a show on the subject of "Girl Fights." Girl fights are an alarming new trend regarding girls. Who fight. While someone else who records it on their camera phone. And posts it on Youtube because, as Ms Spielberg announced, "If I don't record it, it didn't happen." There was also her little gem, "If I'm not recording, what's the point of fighting." Which was perhaps, a bit more telling, as she suggested that the main reason ladies wanna fight eachother is to be on Youtube/famous as opposed to just wanting to cut a bitch. The filmmaker extraordinaire's mom was in the slammer, sad...and she liked to film girl fights because she was in control. Anyhoo...today while walking home with my baked goods eating partner-in-crime I heard a yellin and a screaming down the street. We postulated a fight! was taking place. Just then these two dudes walked past us laughing, and one was all, I bet the oldest girl there was 17, and the other dude was all, no 15! hahahha. To which I thought, Tyra, where are you when society needs you the most!? In other words, my door is still covered in graffiti from all Hallows eve (maybe I should invite a famous politician to my street so it will be cleaned up!) and I was informed tonight while watching a "Ripped from the Headlines" Law and Order that a girl was robbed/murdered like 3 doors down from us a couple of years ago and they made it into a Law and Order a few weeks after...I mean, when I said I wanted to be the subject of one of those shows...I was like...kidding.

p.s. I couldn't sit on the couch all day because my dog wouldn't share. Finally, when he got up I stole the spot and felt like MENSA level smart. But now I'm afraid I smell. Like dog. The bad parts.

p.p.s. I had SUGAR SWEET SUNSHINE DESSERTS TONIGHT~!

p.p.p.s I think if Dr. Phil was my lady parts doctor, I would totes go more often. He's really insightful about the girls...

p.p.p.p.s. I hear sirens...girl fight over? Maybe I should look it up on Youtube...

REASONS I NEED PIE

Quick Thoughts:

I realllllllllllllllllllly wanna steal some of my roommate's pie from the fridge. I'm trying to wait until she comes home. Trying. Hard.

I saw a white female driving a small Asian child in a taxi this morning. Aka. The apocalypse is coming.

Starbucks started using the HOLIDAY CUPS TODAY! I mean, that means the holidays are coming! Which, generally depresses more than excites me, but something about those cups turns me on.

A 20 yr old CAS junior jumped from the 10th floor of Bobst this morning. I didn't even think that was still possible with the suicide barriers up. When I came out of Bobst after class, this woman comes up to me and my friend and is all, "Can I ask you a question?" I thought she was lost. But no, she claimed to be a reporter and wanted to ask us questions about the suicide. Seriously? I said I wouldn't answer questions about that and turned away, just as another asshole took a picture in my face. If I end up in Metro North, seriously, imma gonna be pissed.

That woman REALLY bothered me. Maybe more than she should have. She was, "just doing her job." But frankly, her job made me feel even shittier, so I'm not all that sympathetic.

My tummy hurts, but I want dessert.

I have another martyrdom paper to do. Will probs just watch NCIS instead and snuggle myself in lofty. Side note--my nat sci midterm yesterday F***ED ME IN THE ASS. I mean, it was an issue. A bad issue. Also, I had a nat sci presentation today about the benefits of corn ethanol, which apparently, really sucks. So I kept repeating "America." We grow corn in America. It helps American farmers and the American economy. Basically, if you don't support corn ethanol, you don't love America, and you're a terrorist/traitor. Hey, if it worked for Bush...

Day after Halloween

So yesterday was all Hallows eve in the NYC...aka a shitshow on wheels. Now, I'm not all anti-halloween, or anti-fun, or anti-anonymous sex in animal costumes. However, the only thing east of me is the Projects and my roommate told me the night before Halloween that her friends from the projects warned her not to walk around alone for a couple of days because the gangs were doing initations: aka "cutting up girls." Now, frankly, I don't do well with the idea of being "cut." I also, do not do well with the idea of being told that I can't walk alone in my own neighborhood for fear of said cutting. Apparently it started on the 30th with Bronx area girl cuttings. So, I spent the night in my roommate's west village apartment, ate my KICKASS free chipotle burrito, drank vino (slightly excessively), drunkenly stumbled across a police barracade in order to find insomnia cookies, dodged the rain and de-individuized, costumed, individuals, watched Californication and passed out! Successful evening I should think!

Then I wandered home at 9 am. Made a douche out of myself by commenting on how the clock in the kitchen was off by an hour and not equating that to daylight savings time change. p.s. ALL of my timepieces automatically change (laptop, cell phone) it's like the machines are taking over the wooooooooooooorld! I would never have known! Then I discovered someone had graffitied the hell out of my apartment building (which makes me UBER hardcore), and I said obnoxious things loudly in Starbucks while others listened on. Double success!!!

Midterm tomorrow. FAIL. (opposite of success). Oh, dear.