I want to marry Ben Matlock.

Just when my self-respect has hit a dangerously low level of epic proportions, and I'm seriously considering lobotomizing myself in order to forget about my epic-ly unfortunate crush, I get an email response, that reminds me of how AWESOME said crush really is. And I lose my nerve to de-friend on facebook aka extricate from life. I was sooooooo close. Really Boo. Really!

What to do...I know, go on JDATE! I was po-ed that no one was chatting me in the 3 minutes I signed on during the afternoon, but then I realized that it is a weekday, and normal people work, and I shall NOT be willing to date a dude that is not gamefully employed and therefore unable to jdate chat during a Friday afternoon.

p.s. online dating is the creepiest. and i am terrified of meeting people in person due to my extreme level of social awkwardness.

p.p.s do bakeries judge you for returning twice in the same day/hour?

p.p.p.s am i the only asshole who can't manage to buy the books, let alone do ANY of the readings for my crazy classes?

p.p.p.p.s one of my classes is full of crazy hipsters who look at me with sadness and pity. though i am somewhat of a hipster myself. seeing as i prefer snuggling my kitty to interacting with humans, eating edamame to meat, and drinking coffee to any kind of legitimate food source.

OH, WHAT TO DO?!? Chocolate, jdate, self-pity, and xanax it is! Happy Friday night, everyone!

OH, AND I KNOW I AM THE WORLD'S WORST PERSON FOR THINKING THIS...BUT DOES THE HAITI TELETHON REALLY NEED TO BE ON ALL THE CHANNELS? I DON'T GET CABLE, AND AM DESPERATELY IN NEED OF EXTERNAL STIMULATION! (THAT WILL NOT END IN PREGNANCY. OR THE CLAP).

G-d made pets so there'd be less whores.

So, I am anxiously awaiting a reply from one-who-i-must-stop-crushing-on, and i feel like a lohooser for not getting a response yet. Instead of being evolved and not caring I mutter things over my breath like, "I hate D for not responding. HATE HATE HATE. I want to write another message explaining my HATRED." But then I realize the emotion I'm feeling is love and not hate and I sigh and get saddened and go on JDATE!

Things I've accomplished thus far on J-Date:
1) Chatted with a 33 yr old man named Jayson. Pros: employed! Name is not Adam or Steve (the taboo names!) Funnyish. Able to carry on a conversation. Gave me his contact info. CON: Actually wants to meet me in person (yikes!), used the word, "pussy," and began the conversation attempting to make me his 20 yr old midnight booty call. So here's the legit prob with in person meetings, what if I look cuter in pics than real life? I don't want to disappoint the horny, "fertile" (his word, not mine) 33 yr old bloke. In one pic I was make-upped by a friend (I don't even own make-up), and in another I just happened to look cute, FLUKE. FATE. FATED FLUKE. OM TO THE G.

2) Phoenix(random numbers). Pros: looks cutish in the pic I saw. Artist. Painter. 27. CONS: kept pressuring me to get skype. (I'm extremely socially awk with regards to chatting while looking while being in different rooms. It's weird! And my ex-roomie did it ALL the time freshman year with her boo, and I always felt like I was the awk 3rd person in the room. Except there were only 2 peeps in the room. And boy wonder was NOT one of them. And at the end of every convo she would say, "Silly, silly, that's youuuuuuuuu!" In a high pitched voice, and ever since then I've felt awfully uncomfortable with skype. Also, his name is STEVE. See above. A name which, for many reasons, is taboo in my life!

Tonight for dinner I ate edamame, cheerios, and diet pepsi. Aka, I am an awesome hipster. An awesome hipster who's massively in unreciprocated love, taking cognitive neuroscience (wtf?!?), and applying for temp jobs. Basically: awesome hipster incarnate.

p.s. I made an ass out of myself and in the process found myself surrounded by about 10 NYU security guards. It was a roughrough afternoon.

p.p.s I have a starbucks mug!

In the heat of the moment, I can Curse like a Sailor!

At the age of 20, I've been forcibly reminded multiple times this past week that 30 yr olds are DRAMA QUEENS. You think this is something we grow out of. After Sally harrassed your 12 yr old ass in the middle school bathroom--splashing water all over you until it looked like you were unable to control your bladder. After Sue Ann who, at 17, started sending your crush vulgar text messages until he boned her in the locker room. You think by 30 Sally and Sue Ann would have grown up. Or, you know, be dead. But I digress...perhaps the over 30 crowd greets any sense of optimism or hope that 20-somethings have as a sign of weakness. ignorance. stupidity. Perhaps they enjoy telling us how naiive we are to believe in G-d, love, happiness, ponies, rainbows, snuggles, vodka, PBR, TiVo. There was a time when I would have reacted with anger at such obvious snide-ness. But, I am too old. Or perhaps too young. For that kind of bullshit in my life.

It is now 2010. I went into the new year in an above average excellent manner. Mostly, this is because last year was below average. In baditude. I was with my besty. We did NOT get wastey. We danced and sang while watching a giant pineapple drop from the sky (oh, Florida!) and completely embarrassed her younger cousins and brother. We were soccer moms. And it was awesersome.

I made a few resolutions:
1) Buy Rosetta Stone (I heart student loans!) and finally get fluent on Hebrew.
2) Fall out of obsessive love with my crush of the past 3 years. (This one has been the most difficult).
3) JOIN J-DATE. (WHICH I HAVE DONE, AND WILL BE FOLLOWING CLOSELY ON THIS BLOG). HOWEVER, I AM THUS FAR INCAPABLE OF CORRECTLY POSTING PICS AND THEREFORE AM HIGHLY SUSPICIOUS OF THE ONE DUDE WHO TRIED TO CHAT ME.
4) Go out on a date.
5) Get a job.
6) Learn more.
7) Stop letting toxic people bring me downnnnnnnnnnn. (like the economy!) This one's difficult only inasmuch as people being mean to me or those I love makes me want to cutabitch.
8) Accomplish greatness
9) Make my crush fall madly in love with me!
10) Stop wishing for number 9.

ALSO, I PROMISE TO START WRITING AT LEAST 4 TIMES A WEEK NOW THAT I'VE RETURNED.

Also, both my cuz and uncle hijacked my laptop in order to fix it the last few days and it reminds me of this criminal minds episode where this guy has multiple personalities and one is a computer dude IT expert who hacks into computers to fix them and the other personality is his evil dad and the other one is the archangel gabriel, and gabriel watches the peeps through their computers and when they sin...he goes to their houses and KILLS THEM.

I shared this with Kendall, the 3rd Rosetta Stone techie I talked to (technology hates meeeeeeeee) and he laughed. Basically, we had a moment. And it was grand. And it was kinda awk too, b/c i asked if I could ask for him if I needed to call back and he said there were too many people that worked there, and there was this really awk pause where I thought he might ask for my number. and he didn't. and it was awk.

THE END!

I like my mattress FIRM. that's what he said.

Today weather in NY = Monsoon. Which is why, for the first time eva', I took the subway to campus. And remembered why I never take the subway to campus. Because I'm a raging, c***y, control freak who stands on the yellow rough patch next to the tracks and stares at her cell phone for the entire 10 min that she awaits the F train. Did I just switch to 3rd person. Then some, over make-upped bizotch gets all freaked out when I make eyecontact with her overly make-upped face. Then, the announcer voice is all blahblah (i seriously hope they're not warning of a terrorist attack) blahblah, "Overfilled cars are NOT an excuse for inappropriate sexual touching." For serious?!? Then what is? I look over at freaked, inpatient girl to commiserate and she gives me this look that's all "do NOT inappropriately touch me!" She could read my mind!

Then I got out at the wrong part of the station and got soaked walking 7 minutes in the rain. Major sad face. MAJORRRR.

Then this girl at the salad bar in kimmel took 5 million years at the salad bar. I almost bar jumped her. Or stabbed her. OR both. Or neither. Mostly both.

ION channel's back!

Boiled squash, baked bar-b-que chips, chick peas, and depraved indifference. LOVE.

p.s. I'm having inappropriate thoughts about authority figures in my life. Oh, dear.

Oh, NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!

PROBLEM. The ION channel (aka that amazing channel on which i torture my roommates by making them watch endless weekday night hours of the depravity known as Criminal Minds) is GONE. As is no longer in existence. As in replaced by some half-assed Spanish channel. At first, it was Spanish scene with Criminal Minds speak. Now, it's Spanish scene with silence. Soon, it could be Spanish on Spanish (in Spanish?). Help me. Someone. Some one out there in the nether world ether of cyber space MUST be able to save me!

My roommates don't care. One said so. She hated the show anyways. She's probs closet happy not that its gonezies. Oh, Criminal Minds, where art thou?!?

Side note--we now receive TNT. Which would be nice, if my mind hadn't become completely unaccustomed and unable to process scripted cable shows other than Criminal Minds, Law and Order and NCIS. Oh, Criminal Minds!

p.s. I just saw a movie called "Mishima" about art/beauty/destruction/blood. I wish there was more blood. When I was a kid, I did the finger prick/smear/blood brothers thing. I told my fellow viewers about that during the movie. I don't think they understood. Also, I might of mentioned that the warrior headresses reminded me of sushi guys. There was an Asian in the room. One of only 3 other people watching it. I felt ashamed.

CRIMINAL MINDS--COME BACKKKKKKKKKKKKK! Damn you stoned neighbors, damn you and your unnecessary fuck ups!

Oh puppy, I could just eat your face!

I just found out that the reason I hear strange noises, and feel frigid cold in my beddy room is because my window has been open. Constantly. For the past 3 months. FML.

I also realized, that I am exceptionally white, and wearing a large pale blue parka only serves to enhance the "special" way in which my lower east side neighbors view me.

Also, there ARE straight men at NYU. I SAW ONE. I knew he was straight cause he was macking on a lady! And he looked like he enjoyed it! But, for reals, there are, at max, 12 straight boys at the lovely NYU establishment.

Also, I think I REALLY like commas.

Also, one of my downstairs neighbors makes bomb-diggity dinners which I am a-smelling and I am soooooooooo jel.

Also, walking for 3o min in the wind/rain/snow/cold is NOT okay. Be nice to me weather, I am a lady, after all.

Moving on...UP? (Questioning the Jeffersons...)

So, first a quick word about queens. it's AWESOME. especially jamaica. mostly because i got to see 50 (pronounced fitty) cent's house (the one where he got shot.) Which totes up's my coolness/street cred factor by like, a kagillion. p.s. I did NOT go to Astoria. aka: rich kids pretending they're cool enough to live in Queens. Aka: NYU kids. Aka Astoria = NYU in Queens.

2nd. I went to the tree lighting ceremony. Didn't get to see the tree actually get lit, because I'm a 2 yr old and got bored. However, I managed to flirt the po-pos into letting me cut the line, and upon 20 minutes of arrival wound up in exactly the same place as the couple who'd be there for 3 hours. AND it was raihainy. (rainy).

3rd: Things I've learned this week. Just because you want something, does not mean you can get it. The same goes if the something is a someone with a girlfriend, prettier, smarter, and all around more awesome-er than you are. This does not mean, however, that you are not awesome! No, no. Rather you are just not AS awesome as the awesome-est, awesomnator that said person is already with. And I am learning to accept this. Mostly because I think if I do, the universe will give me something else in return. For instance, I was sad, then I won $52! Thanks, universe! So, here it goes. I officially relinquish. I officially give up on you. Although you don't actually read this blog, so you won't know this, the sentiment remains the same.

So, dear universe, I shall await your kind, kind, reward for my relinquishment. While watching Dr. Phil, I shall wait. Eating banana pudding, I shall wait. Lusting over Matlock, I shall wait.

But for now, dear universe, I shall do my finals, eat chocolate, and await my future reaping of GREATNESS!